A patient died in front of me the other night, in the CT scan room.
Four years of nursing experience, and I blanked out.
Kicked myself after that, thinking that I should have done this, should have done that, shouldn't have done that, shouldn't have done this. Guess I kind of went into shock after that. Couldn't really function properly for hours after - I could hardly focus on photocopying the casenotes. My hands couldn't stop trembling, and it didn't help to be able to hear the patient's children crying in disbelief in the background.
So I'm sorry if I pissed you off for being a lousy fifth nurse that night.
You have no idea how alone and fucking scared I was down there in the CT scan room.
To see the patient collapse when just a few seconds before he was fine, perfectly alert and conscious. And then a short while later dies right under your hands.
I'm known for being heartless, and I pretended like it didn't affect me much. But the truth is, it affected me like hell. For days after that all I could think about was his pale face. How I could have done more to help him survive. The sickening helplessness I felt being without my nurses' support and help at that crucial point of time.
Worst of all, it was hearing his daughter wail and break down.
I don't understand Mandarin that well, but yea, I understood what she was saying alright.
Switched my emotions off to the point where I could make light about the whole thing.
Not the best way to cope with it, but it keeps the pain and fear away.
I'm sorry, uncle.
May you rest in peace.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
I thought my ward would be a nice place to work in.
To a large extent, it is. We're all noisy and cracking jokes all the time.
But the politics. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sorry I didn't turn out to be the sweetie pie you thought I was.
I don't really give a damn if you think I'm disrespectful.
If you think you have the right to decide who my friends should be, think again.
If you think alienating me by leaving me out will make me buckle, that won't work.
Been a loner for pretty much my whole life.
Being alone is nothing new to me.
This whole fuck-you attitude probably won't serve me well, but I'll be damned if I have to buckle down to another manipulative figure. I lost my best friend once because of it, and lost my second chance when I was stupid enough to choose someone else again the second time. Sometimes I wonder what it'll be like to still have him as my best friend, the platonic "other half" of me. Until today nobody else has that uncanny ability to be able to figure out what I'm thinking, word for word, the way he did.
I miss you, kid.
Shopping with you for lingerie for your girlfriend was hilarious.
Shopping with you for makeup for your reservist performance? EPIC.
Good thing you got married - I was getting worried there for a moment!
Anyway, yea. You might have the ward in your pocket and me and a few others out of the loop, but that's just fine by me. It keeps your meddling ways out of my business. Sure, I feel awkward at times when you're all grouped together and I'm on the outside, but life goes on.
Sometimes I just cringe when you start on your "we should all work together and be happy" speech. I mean, seriously? How can you even say that with a straight face, when you're playing games by blatantly showing the whole ward who's in your good books... And those who aren't?
Ah well, I guess I play these games too.
What can I do? Politics. Bleh.
Like it or not, you're going to be dragged into it.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
^ Gaaaaaaale!!! ♥ ♥ ♥
I don't care if you're 18 years older than me!
I'd still do you! Aaaaaah!!! You sexy bastard!
